Do you ever wonder if who you are is really who you are or is it just a conglomeration of a bunch of people you wish you could be like?
I struggle with this a lot. I come across to people very confident, out going and somewhat intimidating. In a way I think it's just a way of putting up a wall so people don't see the real me.
I find myself as I surf the blogosphere often comparing myself to my other bloggy gals. I see those who are artistic and confident in who they are as an artist, as a crafty mama, as a baker, etc. and they don't seem to question who they are or what their style is.
Over the years my photography style has changed a million times, because I will see another photographer's style that I like and want to duplicate it. I see those who can create their own notecards and sell them by the dozens and I think, why can't I do something like that? I see ladies whose homes are decorated with things that they have created or ideas off of pinterest that they were able to duplicate and I feel like the most creatively-challenged individual on the planet. I read blogs where women have such a way with words that it sucks you into their post making you feel like you are there in that moment with them.
I often think, maybe I should do more posts on being a mom. Maybe I should do more tutorial posts. Those ladies get asked to guest post all the time. Maybe I should write more about my family. Maybe I should start posting recipes or crafty how-to's like how to make a bedspread out of curtains and leftover tree skirt from last years Christmas tree.
I'm not at all hating on those who do that. I think it's awesome to be that creative, but it's just not me. As much as I try to tap into a creative side of myself, it's just not there. I'm pretty plane Jane.
You know what's funny is as I write this post, I know that there are those that will take the time to read it and leave sincere comments, but if it was me coming across a post this long, I'd skim through it to see if anything peaked my interest and then click on to the next blog, because I am just not one to sit and read long blog posts. I am usually just looking for pictures that wow me or an easy how-to edit.
I read a post a couple of weeks ago by a blogger who finally came to the realization that they no longer wanted to try to be a professional photographer because it took all the joy out of photography for them. That post really hit home for me and I haven't stopped thinking about it since I read it. I've struggled for a while now to get a photography business up and running. I have talked to other successful photogs trying to get tips on how to get my business to grow. I honestly don't know what the problem is. Do I just lack the passion? Do I lack the confidence in myself that I know what I am doing? Are my motives wrong? To be honest, I really don't know the answer to those questions. I'm still trying to search deep within myself and asking the Lord to give me clarity.
For now though, I have stopped pursuing a career in full time photography. I have that faint doubt though wondering if some day I may regret giving it up. When I think of giving it up all together, I then feel like I am left with nothing. No passion. No drive.
Yes, I have my husband. I have my baby girl. But I think every woman wants something that gives her an identity. Not just so-and-so's mom or so-and-so's wife. Something that is just mine. All mine. That I thrive at. That I excel in. That I am successful at.
At 30 years old I still don't have it figured out and I wonder if I ever will. I just need to hang a sign around my neck that says "Under Construction" and just strive to be more and more like Christ and not like everyone else. In eternity that's all that will matter anyway...